In leadership, the tension between being respected and being merely nice has been debated for centuries. Niceness is often equated with politeness, affability, and the desire to avoid conflict. Respect, on the other hand, is grounded in trust, competence, and integrity. While niceness may win temporary approval, respect creates lasting influence. Leaders who prioritize being respected over being liked not only drive stronger performance but also safeguard their organizations against complacency and poor decision-making. A change agent leader cannot be overly nice, or he or she will be trampled on.
Fig. 1. Jeremy Swenson, Pink Suit With Yellow Background, 2025, Jeremy Swenson.
The Pitfalls of “Niceness”:
Niceness can be an appealing trait, especially in team settings where harmony is valued. However, as a leadership strategy, niceness carries inherent risks. When leaders prioritize being liked, they may avoid difficult conversations, tolerate poor performance, or bend organizational rules to keep others happy. Over time, this erodes accountability. Research in organizational psychology demonstrates that leaders who are overly agreeable may sacrifice effectiveness, as employees perceive them as weak or inconsistent (Judge, Bono, Ilies, & Gerhardt, 2002).
Margaret Thatcher, the former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, captured this dilemma bluntly: “If you set out to be liked, you will accomplish nothing” (Thatcher, 1993, p. 147). Niceness often becomes a form of self-preservation—leaders seek short-term harmony at the cost of long-term impact. While being liked may feel rewarding in the moment, it does not inspire confidence or loyalty when difficult decisions must be made. An overly nice person would likely give undue favor to people close to them and thus would not encourage growth or innovation.
Why Respect Endures:
Respect is a far more enduring quality. It is not rooted in popularity but in consistency, fairness, and competence. Respected leaders earn trust by setting clear expectations, making principled decisions, and holding themselves and others accountable. Respect does not preclude kindness; rather, it frames kindness in a way that maintains boundaries and integrity.
The late Maya Angelou (1993) famously observed: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel” (p. 21). In a leadership context, being respected makes people feel valued, secure, and motivated because they know their leader will not waiver under pressure or abandon fairness for personal popularity. Respect builds psychological safety, which modern research identifies as one of the strongest predictors of high-performing teams (Edmondson, 2019).
Moreover, people are more likely to trust those who build respect than politeness. Respect crosses all demographics while what is nice in one culture may not be nice in another culture. In other words, respect is less subjective and thus more powerful. Respect means you mean what you say and enforce it over time, across cultures, and no matter what. Niceness signals your pliable and not confident in your approach as to who or what is right.
Lessons from Business Leadership:
Business history is filled with examples that highlight the difference between respected leaders and merely nice ones.
- Steve Jobs (Apple): Jobs was not widely regarded as “nice.” His demanding nature often clashed with employees. However, he was deeply respected for his vision, creativity, and relentless pursuit of excellence. Walter Isaacson (2011) documented how Jobs inspired loyalty and innovation because employees trusted his uncompromising standards, even if they did not always appreciate his methods.
- Indra Nooyi (PepsiCo): Nooyi combined respect with empathy. She was known for her warmth and for writing personal letters to employees’ families, yet she also set bold strategic goals and held teams accountable for results. Her leadership illustrates that respect does not exclude kindness but rather enhances it when boundaries and accountability remain intact (Nooyi & Mirza, 2021).
- Colin Powell (U.S. Army General): Powell (1995) explained that respect is inseparable from accountability: “The day soldiers stop bringing you their problems is the day you have stopped leading them” (p. 54). For Powell, respect came not from being “nice” but from being competent, decisive, and trustworthy in the face of pressure.
These examples highlight that respected leaders may not always win popularity contests, but they leave legacies of trust and performance.
Respect, Boundaries, and Authority:
A crucial distinction between respect and niceness lies in boundaries. Nice leaders often allow others to cross their boundaries in order to avoid discomfort. Respected leaders, by contrast, maintain clear boundaries, which prevents exploitation and reinforces authority. As Maxwell (1998) argued, leadership is fundamentally about influence, and influence requires credibility. A leader without respect may have a title, but not authority.
In practice, this means making unpopular but necessary decisions—layoffs during a downturn, holding a top performer accountable for misconduct, or refusing to compromise ethics for profit. These choices rarely make a leader “liked” in the moment, but they generate long-term respect and loyalty. Employees may not always agree, but they admire the leader’s consistency and courage. This is especially true in contexts that require tough change management, such as mergers, new products, entering new countries, and adopting new technologies. This is where a strong respected visionary leader beats nice person every time.
Conclusion:
In the final analysis, it is far better for leaders to be respected than to be merely nice. Niceness without boundaries leads to exploitation and mediocrity. Respect, however, fosters trust, accountability, and sustainable success. Leaders who cultivate respect create organizations that withstand challenges, adapt to change, and achieve long-term goals.
As Thatcher, Angelou, Jobs, Nooyi, and Powell all remind us in different ways, leadership is not about avoiding conflict or pleasing others—it is about earning trust through integrity, competence, and courage. Respect lasts; niceness fades. In business and leadership, respect is not just preferable—it is essential.
A respected leader will not be taken advantage of. His or her management structure will be less likely to be challenged, making operations run more smoothly. Those around such a leader will be more inspired to follow the tough decisions they make and will feel relief knowing they did not have to shoulder those burdens themselves, yet can remain confident in the respected leader who did. That leader is not doubted. With the right experience and training, you can be that leader.
References:
Angelou, M. (1993). Wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now. Bantam Books.
Edmondson, A. C. (2019). The fearless organization: Creating psychological safety in the workplace for learning, innovation, and growth. Wiley.
Isaacson, W. (2011). Steve Jobs. Simon & Schuster.
Judge, T. A., Bono, J. E., Ilies, R., & Gerhardt, M. W. (2002). Personality and leadership: A qualitative and quantitative review. Journal of Applied Psychology, 87(4), 765–780. https://doi.org/10.1037/0021-9010.87.4.765
Maxwell, J. C. (1998). The 21 irrefutable laws of leadership. Thomas Nelson.
Nooyi, I., & Mirza, R. (2021). My life in full: Work, family, and our future. Portfolio.
Powell, C. (1995). My American journey. Random House.
Thatcher, M. (1993). The Downing Street years. HarperCollins.
About the Author:
Jeremy Swenson is a disruptive-thinking security entrepreneur, futurist/researcher, and senior management tech risk consultant. Over 17 years, he has held progressive roles at many banks, insurance companies, retailers, healthcare organizations, and even government entities. Organizations appreciate his talent for bridging gaps, uncovering hidden risk management solutions, and simultaneously enhancing processes. He is a frequent speaker, podcaster, and a published writer – CISA Magazine and the ISSA Journal, among others. He holds a certificate in Media Technology from Oxford University’s Media Policy Summer Institute, an MBA from Saint Mary’s University of MN, an MSST (Master of Science in Security Technologies) degree from the University of Minnesota, and a BA in political science from the University of Wisconsin Eau Claire. He is an alum of the Cyber Security Summit Think Tank, the Federal Reserve Secure Payment Task Force, the Crystal, Robbinsdale and New Hope Citizens Police Academy, and the Minneapolis FBI Citizens Academy. He also has certifications from Intel and the Department of Homeland Security.
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